Can grief and joy for the same soul exist side by side? Fran made the case for this in our previous post when she told of how she feels happy that her husband is free to pursue his next spiritual mission but that, twenty-seven years later, she continues to feel his loss in the physical world. In the poem below, she finds a way to express these simultaneous feelings, and her great love for her husband, whom she continues to feel with her despite the separation of death.
(For Ed Blackwell)
By Fran Blackwell
Before you came: I ask
What is it that holds me, haunts me forever since
entrance into this body, into this life?
This world going round and round.
Why am I different, so different?
I know not why or where, from whence
I come. Into no mold do I fit. No clue have I found
that is not more surrendering of itself,
like a man in the moon eating cheese.
So looking I stopped,
trying to find clues to make sense
of why I am so different yet not.
Yes, sometimes I felt like a motherless child.
I lived with the pain of not knowing the whys, the wherefores,
just one foot in front of the other.
And then we met, and you held the key to my heart,
and unlocking my heart, I could unlock your heart to
all the wonders of the fulfillment of divine love.
And No; no one knew who I am,
except for you, beloved one who came and knew me.
And I recognized the sound of your heartbeat.
Yet you have now passed from this world,
leaving me to once again
find myself in the deep alone,
stewing in my own juices uncooked,
overlooked, and where I go only God knows.
As you said before you left,
God knows how much I love you.
And I know there are no others, save you and
God, who know my heart completely.
But you were up close and personal.
Here and always Now in the presence of our love.
In quiet repose each moment was right
with the worlds, being in perfect accord with all things
bright and beautiful; though, with your passing,
calling me to a strength I wish I did not have, yet am grateful I do.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to
fall apart at the seams, take a time-out
In the breakdown lane of mindless dysfunction.
But not really, not for me.
For even within the heart of my grief
I am what I am, and in this world of ordinary people
God gave me an extraordinary Soul to share life with.
And our love endures beyond the illusions of death.
For love never dies.
Yet silent tears leave this heart heavy with joy and sorrow,
to continue on and fulfill my golden contract
The emptiness of your leaving chokes me
with a thousand suns tasting like sawdust,
and I leave no shadows,
for you were my substance,
my blood and bones, my heartbeat, my breath.
But blessed I am to have traveled with you for awhile,
to have loved you forever, and never a missed moment
of love did we squander on drama, or the illusions of
life, for we knew, we knew, Love is all.
You were the only one ever on this planet
who always had my back.
What comfort contained
in this demonstration of Love!
You were the only one, as I was for you, so equal.
Not together because of need or dependency,
for we each were complete within ourselves.
Yet together just for the sacredness of Love,
in perfect balance, beyond time and space,
our love lives forever.
Yet the loneliness of my grief
is akin to drowning.
My God, this is a loneliness beyond compare, yet I bear
it all because you were here in the flesh
with me for a time.
It is not that I miss you, because you are here
in my heart; but
the tenderness in your eyes whenever you looked
and saw Me,
your touch of love and caring concern,
stay bright memories.
And yet this moment, may I say
I miss you.
© Fran Blackwell, 2019
The Meaning of Forever Project continues to accept stories of comforting experiences with loved ones who have passed on, and of near-death experiences that have helped to show the continuation of life beyond the physical body. You can email your story to us at firstname.lastname@example.org and you can find more about our project on our Facebook page, and our Meaning of Forever Website.